2021 isn’t over yet? It feels like it is. In multiple conversations I’ve mentioned it being ‘last year’. I’m having fun running stats on my viewing habits, sort of like a Spotify Wrapped. A Filmify Wrapped, if you will.
This year, I’ve recorded having seen 43 movies, but I’m sure I’ve seen at least 50, because I’ve only started tracking that in April. Most of these movies were bad, with an average rating of only 5 out of 10. While the majority of the films have been in the top half, the weighting is fairly polarized.
5. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodygaurd
I know a lot of people liked this movie, and I’m not saying you’re wrong for liking this movie. The first one was unique, and it rightly deserved another installment in the franchise. To their credit, they did add an extra ingredient in Salma Hayek. While her character did breath more life into this film and set it apart from the preceding movie, it wasn’t enough to make the movie a good movie.
Ryan Reynolds, in my opinion, is a tired, worn out schtick. He’s like a more handsome Adam Sandler, and I’m honestly kind of tired of his extremely crass and immature humor, because it’s starting to come off as forced. Like when we got Johnny Depp and Jack Sparrow for the fifth time. Samuel L Jackson is his usual self, and while the combination of his assholery and Reynolds’ assholery is a unique one, again, it’s grating and overdone.
If you liked it, you liked it and no one, not even me, should make you ashamed of that. Read the review here.
It just sort of hit me that I’ve watched a lot of shitty things this year. I’m surprised that Vin only makes this list twice though, because I really thought that he’d sweep my year end list. Bloodshot actually had a bit of promise because it’s kind of an original idea, and thematically has potential to be unique and introspective.
Unfortunately, the movie was the first and completely unnoticed fatality in the wholesale slaughter of film releases when the pandemic first started, so most people don’t even know that this movie came out and that it sucked. There’s not much room for gaining a cult classic status in the way Vin’s Riddick series, and the financial doom means we’re not getting a Fast and Furious style franchise. The film devolved into a frustrating, soulless CGI fight, and I hated that.
You can read the full review here.
3. xXx: Return of Xander Cage
In this installment of me having a very closeted gay crush on Vin Diesel, we watch as Vinny insults strong women, Indians, Indonesians, weak women, the Chinese, working women, and other various Asian demographics. Nina Dobrev and Indian actress Deepika Padukone are in this movie, and I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall for the first time the ladies had to read the script, and realized they were essentially just groupies for Vin.
I liked that this film involved a number of characters to complicate things, rather than unnamed knockoff Che Guevarra played by Carlos with a thousand disposable henchmen. I also like Diesel. Please notice me, senpai!
Here’s my full review.
2. Terminator: Dark Fate
I mean it was a bad movie, but it holds a special place in my heart for taking a full day’s worth of my attention when I was isolated at home when I caught COVID early March. It’s a fine action movie, but it failed because they were trying to appease many different demographics, and ended up pissing everyone off.
The protagonists are gruff, macho and aggro: For people who like aggro protagonists
The protagonists are women: For the w0m3n
The movie is set mainly in Mexico: For the ethnic vote (yes I know they do that in T2)
The protagonists are Hispanic: For the ethnic vote
There’s a damsel in distress: For the closeted misogynists with hero complexes
There’s a border wall issue: For the liberals
There’s guns: For the conservatives
You see what I mean about them trying to make a movie for everyone, but pissing everyone off? In any case, support my patreon, I’m trying to make a short parody movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger as Carl the terminator with a drapery business.
1. Knock Knock
This is hands-down the worst thing I have seen. This film has singlehandedly ruined my opinion of Keanu Reeves and Ana de Armas. This movie was literally only made to launder money, and the stars were likely only lured in to make the movie because they owed money to the mob, or the producers blackmailed them.
This movie makes me so angry. So angry. Ana de Armas gets naked and has a threesome, and it still wasn’t enough to make up for the rest of this absolute dogshit of a movie. I’ve got more to say here.
Thanks for reading my reviews this year. If it isn’t too much trouble, please stop sexually harassing me in my emails, I’ve started to become desensitized to out of focus dick pics with bad lighting.